Mum, Don't Go

My mum wasn't young, but she wasn't old. She picked me up when I fell, gave me guidance when I was lost. She was the sun and the rain that helped me grow. I was 12 when she got pancreas and liver cancer. We had her a year. It was only weeks since I had turned 13 and was so near Christmas. I was numb as if she was only on holiday. I remember letting myself into the house and shouting "Mum, I'm home". The silence was like a knife penetrating my heart. I was never going to get to say "I love you" or smell her wonderful smell. I was angry everyone else got so many more years than me. I felt like swearing and shouting at everyone. It was like I had been invaded by a monster. I had never cried and felt alone but now I felt so alone but so defensive at the same time. I cried a few tears but for me it felt like I'd cried for hours. I wanted to run away or move out of the house. When I walked home it took me 15 mins but I wandered the streets for hours never wanting to go home. I couldn't be in the same room as Dad let alone speak to him. I blocked everyone and everything out. I still feel this way but am going to Maggie's with a friend.

Ruth - 19 / 2 / 2010